Real Talk: My Pregnancy Journey

The journey to motherhood is such a unique and personal experience. There are emotions that come up that you never thought were possible. So often we hear only the positive side of things that we feel ashamed or afraid when our emotions don’t line up to what is “expected”.

We had always joked about what our future “daughter” could look like but we never seriously talked about having children. Summer 2017, with me being 30 -uh-hum-something, we decided if we were going to try it was basically now or never!

Being that I’m a huge planner, I figured that by January 2019 we’d want baby to be 6 or 7 months old so we could travel with her (or him!). Working backward, baby would need to be born in June or July!

I downloaded the Ovia Fertility app for ovulation tracking (which I highly recommend!) and believe it or not, 2 months later I was pregnant.

I wish I could say there was some dramatic way that I found out or broke the news to my husband, but it was actually really anticlimactic.

My periods have always been consistent, so after 2 days of my missed period, I knew I had to be pregnant! I’m not sure why, but I hardly reacted. After 5 days, when my twin niece and nephew were born, I figured it was time to confirm if I was having a baby too. The next morning I sat patiently waiting for 1 line or two on the pregnancy test.

I came out of the bathroom and said “it’s positive “ as casually as I would have said that we are out of toilet paper.

I wanted to be excited, but I had been hearing so many stories of people having miscarriages in the first 12 weeks that I decided we were not going to make any plans or tell anyone until after the first trimester.

A couple of days after finding out, instead of excitement, guilt set in.

I felt guilty for not celebrating, I felt guilty for not being excited or reacting the way I thought I was “supposed” to. I felt guilty that we got pregnant so quickly and so easily when I  had friends who were struggling and trying so hard. I wasn’t sure if the guilt was normal and that just made me feel worse. What made it harder was that the pregnancy was a secret so I couldn’t talk to anyone about my feelings.

After a small scare, two ultrasounds, and all our genetic testing, at week 15, I was still having a hard time telling our families because I thought as soon as I did, they’d realize how underwhelmed I seemed about this all, and I’d disappoint them.

Around week 23 we found out we were having a boy which came with an entirely new set of emotions and issues.

Once I started feeling him moving and kicking everything changed. I stopped feeling guilty and started feeling excited to meet him.

I felt feminine and confident in my body. I loved my belly and the “pregnancy glow” was real Y’all!

Having Xay in me, I felt a sense of vibrancy and life. I felt like we had a private connection that no one else could feel.

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I low key loved being pregnant. I was fortunate to not have high blood pressure, no morning sickness or swollen feet or ankles. I was fortunate to gain weight only in my belly and have the same energy level throughout my pregnancy right up until about week 36. My main symptom was acne in the first trimester.

All in all, pregnancy ended up being magical and amazing for me, but it also ended up being terrifying. There was this excitement and joy and fear and worry every day.

There was constantly the thoughts of “am I doing the right thing, eating the right thing, eating too much, too excited too early or not excited enough” and the GUILT I felt early on nearly unravelled me.

Pregnancy is so different for everyone and I’m sure all you mamas out there had a unique experience.

But hopefully sharing my experience helps any mamas-to-be know that any emotions you have are completely normal. Maybe like me, as much as you want to have your baby, you feel underwhelmed for a while, or you’ll feel overwhelming guilt, or just feel outright overwhelmed. But, embrace your feelings and don’t feel bad for any of them. When I see honest motherhood posts on social media or blogs, I appreciate it so much. I wish more women were candid about how they are really feeling about motherhood, rather than sweep it under the rug with a blanket “it’s all so worth it” comment.   Honest motherhood gives us all a shared experience which should allow us to support each other through it all.

I’d love to hear about your pregnancy experience!

Xoxo

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